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Do you find yourself saying you ‘should’ do something; there’s a lurching feeling of either dread or pressure to get it done. As riders, there are should about riding, ourselves as riders and carers for our horses. It may be time to re-evaluate when and how often you say ‘should’, it could be revealing more than you think about your mindset!
Think about your own equestrian 'shoulds'...
I should ride more
I should compete
I should enjoy my riding more
I should be doing better
I should be more advanced than I am
I should be able to do X (e.g., hack out alone, jump, school, compete, win)
I should listen to my horse
I shouldn’t listen to everyone, only selected people
I shouldn’t take X to heart
I should clean my tack/car!
Here’s why ‘should’ could be affecting how you think about riding, even the way you ride or compete!
Surprisingly, when we use the word should, we are doing two things inside our heads. 1. Talking about the rules we have set for ourselves and 2. Signalling that if we don’t do it, we’ll feel guilt or shame!
Why do humans have this in-built guilt system?
As hunter-gatherers, we needed to make sure that we lived as a tribe, this was the way for everyone to survive. There was protection and security in having rules and not stepping out of line. Guilt was useful to cause people to avoid shirking work or disrupting tribal harmony. It was all about the safety in numbers and toeing the line.
However, as 21st century humans, we’ve kept this throw-back thinking and still generate rules. Personal rules that we have accepted and taken on as our own can be heard every time we say the word ‘should’.
We often hear the pressure and unrealistic expectations linked to our own ‘shoulds’ and those of others.
Here’s a step-by-step guide to what we can do about it.
Step 1:
Write down all your horsey ‘shoulds’ – everything you can think of.
Are there ones where the focus would pull you in two different directions? E.g., if you didn’t really enjoy competing, you may say, “I should compete; I should enjoy my riding more”. These types of push-pull ‘shoulds’ keep you stuck and conflicted at the same time. They make you feel as though you’re not accomplishing anything! To overcome this, we can move onto looking at where these ‘shoulds’ came from.
Step 2:
Looking over your list of ‘shoulds’, think about where that rule has come from: childhood, friends, other riders, instructors, social media etc. Ask yourself, “Are these rules really my own?”
Write down where these ‘shoulds’ came from. Do they even belong to you?!
Step 3:
Look over the ‘should’s' again. Now rate them from 0-10, 0 being totally unimportant, 10 being absolutely critical. Do this with your aspirations and goals in mind and giving yourself a realistic chance to be able to find the time or resources to do them!
Step 4:
Delete as many ‘shoulds’ as you can that are either not your own or not important!
Step 5:
Delay anything that is minorly important – or delegate the job to someone else!
Step 6:
Do any of the remaining shoulds!!
Remember, your ‘should’s shouldn’t be spoiling your enjoyment of your horse and your riding!
Equestrian Advice & GuidesBeginners AdviceEquestrian Career AdviceGeneral Equestrian AdviceRider Health & Wellbeing
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